Am I My Disorder?
In part, yes
My brother recently found out he has ADHD, and in light of this discovery he started scrolling through symptoms of the disorder and realising that a lot of his personality traits growing up were actually symptoms; doodling, getting galaxy brain, and taking strange and long routes to solve problems to name a few. At first it was comical to see such an accurate description of the person I know and love with all my heart, and then it was slightly disconcerting, especially as I thought about the implications it had for making sense of one’s identity in light of a disorder.
Moreover, the way he spoke to me on the phone, it was almost as if he was reinterpreting his whole childhood through the lense of a diagnosis, and what was previously “Him”, had suddenly become “ADHD”. I started thinking about my own disorder and as I looked at some of the tendencies I have as an individual, many which have come to define my personality, I realised that a lot of these could be assigned to my OCD. Naturally I had to ask: Does that make me OCD? Or to put it another way: Am I nothing more than my disorder? If I am not, then which part is me and which part is OCD?
After thinking this through I came to the following conclusion: I think there is a line to be drawn between the two poles- that I am not my disorder and that I am my disorder- which acknowledges that whilst I am far more than OCD, it is, ultimately, an important part of the tapestry that is “Me”. Let me clarify; there is far more to me than my disorder, but to paint a picture of myself which omits it would be to paint an incomplete picture. Ross without OCD- one can hope!- would not be Ross. I can only apologise for speaking in the third person.
To demonstrate this I will use an analogy. Take someones religion; does a faith detract from someone’s identity and whitewash their other idiosyncrasies? Not at all. People are their faith, and it influences their behaviours in significant ways, but they are also themselves, and the same faith will look different in different people. look at the wide array of Saints in history and you will see the beautiful diversity of personalities that can exist within a faith without being extinguished by it. A quick point: The analogy seemed helpful, and is in no way intended to imply that theism is a pathology (I am a Christian after all).
Similarly, OCD is a part of the tapestry that makes me who I am, but it is by no means the only part, or the most important. In fact, OCD is largely a parasite which feeds off of my personality; I worry about being a paedophile because it is contrary to my nature, and I suffer from scrupulosity OCD because I value integrity and virtue.
Once upon a time I feared that being diagnosed as OCD could reduce me to a disorder and take away my uniqueness. Now, I have actually learnt to embrace that part of me, and to laugh at my disorder on subreddits where people share similar fears and feelings through memes and posts. At the same time, I realise that I am also defined by what I read, how I respond to my disorder and how I articulate the experience of OCD; get 20 OCD sufferers to write a show about life with OCD and whilst you will find common themes, each will have a beautiful fingerprint that shows you a sufferer transcends their diagnosis.
In conclusion, I am not sure how widespread this feeling is, and perhaps you think the question I posed is irrelevant, or maybe it’s not one that bothers you in the slightest; for me at least, it is something that irked me for a while and I hope this article can offer some small comfort to those struggling to square their diagnosis with their identity. In short, denying that my disorder was part of me seemed foolish, but being reduced to a pathology detracted from my sense of individuality. I now realise, as is often the case, that between the two polar extremes there is a sane and sensible approach which acknowledges both angles; you are not merely your disorder, but your disorder is certainly a part of the grand tapestry that makes you the wonderful person you are.
