Are You Going Out From Fear of Staying In?
When mental health declines, the standard image is of someone who holes up, foetal beneath a duvet, and turns over the phone as friends check in. Whilst this is certainly a common manifestation of depression, it is not the only one.
Others may drown themselves in work and social activities, effectively running from their own mind and chasing noise to drown out depression. In moderation, there is nothing wrong with this; the company of friends and engaging work are good bulwarks against mental illness. But we must be mindful that we don’t overextend ourselves, and should identify whether we go out because we want to be with others, or because we dread being with ourselves. If it’s the latter, this is unsustainable and should be addressed.
In short, a healthy life should be a balanced one, and if we can’t sit with our thoughts at least sometimes, that is a good sign that something isn't right. I’ve been in a state of mind where I wanted to read or nestle down with Netflix on, but OCD was so relentless that instead I kept myself in constant motion, trying to exhaust myself so as to get to sleep as quickly as possible once I was alone in a dark room.
I’ve accepted invites- or initiated events- purely because I dreaded the alternative; a night alone. This defence mechanism can backfire if you fatigue yourself however; there are only so many projects one can juggle and commitments one can fulfil. An overload of work can eventually make anxiety and depression flare up also. Before burning yourself out, sit down and tackle what it is you are fleeing. Once you are busy, it can be easy to deceive yourself that feelings of discomfort are because you are working hard, when in fact they may be the very thing that pushed you to overload in the first place.
Moreover, it is necessary to unplug from the world and allow yourself time to recharge; sooner or later an empty evening will present itself, and this should not be dreaded. Time alone can help you discover your own wants and needs, instead of pleasing others, and gives you valuable time to practice self care. It may not seem possible at the moment, but avoidance will only empower your fear of alone time. The sooner you go inwards, the less you will hunger to go out.
In conclusion, It can be hard to face up to poor mental health and the associated feelings with it. As a result, distractions- in any form- can be an inviting prospect. However, running from your own mind will achieve little, just as ignoring a burning house will do little to temper the flames. Sooner or later, you will be forced to confront the thoughts that are troubling you. If you notice this behaviour in yourself, take time to process your feelings and your thoughts, and reach out for behavioural therapy or alternative assistance. In time, and with practice, you can learn to enjoy your own company, as well as others, considering you will be there out of choice and not fear.
