Is It “True Love”? Are They “The One”? Or Do You Have Relationship OCD?
I Love Her, I Love Her Not
In my first year at university, I met an amazing girl who lived opposite me, fell head over heels in love, and after a few months, found myself in my first ever relationship.
Initially, I relished every second I spent with my partner, believing her to be without fault in the way only new lovers can.
And then something changed.
Insidiously, questions about her attractiveness in comparison to other girls, our compatibility as a couple and her personality flaws began to weigh on me, so much so that the time I spent with her became increasingly unpleasant; intimacy became a checking ritual, nights out were a hotbed of triggers and the quality and strength of my love consumed my mind and affected my studies. Far from enjoying my time with my partner, I began to fear it.
On a date, or in bed, I would be checking my arousal levels, fixating on her minor physical imperfections and battling a sense of guilt that I was leading her on; my fulfilling relationship was hijacked by doubt and anxiety.
I took to the internet to read about relationship doubts and gobbled up all sorts of articles discussing a loss of attraction to a partner and signs that a relationship doesn't have a future. I looked at other couples and measured my own relationship against them, and avoided people I was attracted to because it triggered further doubts about my current relationship.
None of this made me feel better however, and whilst I was struggling to enjoy my time with my partner, at heart I knew I didn't want to be without her either. Eventually, I stumbled across people discussing a sub-type of OCD, named relationship or ROCD.
What is ROCD?
Relationship OCD is a subtype of Pure OCD in which someone obsessively questions the suitability of a romantic partner, or the strength and quality of their love for a partner, in an otherwise healthy relationship.
As with all forms of OCD, ROCD is fuelled by an intense discomfort with uncertainty; those with this sub-type will torment themselves with abstract questions such as whether their partner is ‘The One” or their ‘Soulmate’. For those with ROCD, the thoughts become increasingly distressing and time-consuming, thereby affecting quality of life and the health of a relationship.
Minor faults in a partner, both physical and emotional, can lead a sufferer to believe that they have made a mistake and that they are entangling themselves with someone who’s not right for them. These thoughts are anxiety inducing, and can ruin relationships by causing sexual dysfunction as well as emotional distance; intimacy can become a test of one’s love, and a lack of arousal taken to mean that they are not attracted to their significant other or that they do not really love them.
Sufferers might fixate on how attractive other men and women are, and if they are aroused by someone other than their spouse, believe this is evidence that their relationship is wrong. ROCD can be present at any point during a relationship, but may be particularly noticeable in response to relationship milestones such as meeting the parents, moving in together or when discussing marriage.
Tragically, sufferers may end a relationship with a person they love, leading to grief and regret later on. A key distinction between ROCD and genuine relationship doubts is that in the former, the obsessions are ego-dystonic. This means that the thoughts are contrary to the sufferers self-concept, and are distressing to them.
Subtypes of OCD like ROCD rarely exist in isolation, and in my own case, doubts about my sexuality (HOCD) blended with these general relationship doubts making a monstrous hybrid. As has been noted, this overlap between different forms of Pure OCD is common, and the line between them is a nebulous and arbitrary one. At the heart of all OCD is an inability to accept the uncertainty inherent in life; ROCD is merely the inability to accept the uncertainty inherent in love.
Broadly speaking, ROCD comes in two forms, though they are not mutually exclusive: obsessions can be relationship-focused or partner-focused. On the International OCD Foundation page for HOCD, a few examples of the former are:
“Is this the right relationship for me?”, “This is not real love!”, “Do I feel ‘right’?”, and “Does my partner really love me?”
Some examples of partner-focused ROCD might be:
“Her feet are too big”, “He is not social enough”, “She is not intelligent enough” or “He is not ambitious enough”.
The condition is compounded by the fact that it is easy to misdiagnose ROCD; it’s not hard to see how friends, family and even counsellors who are not aware of this manifestation of OCD could believe a sufferers relationship is the problem.
Signs You Might Have Relationship OCD
So how does one differentiate between genuine doubts regarding a romantic relationship, and an anxiety disorder that has latched onto a healthy relationship?
If you have a history of OCD and are finding yourself debilitatingly preoccupied with the nature of your love or your partner’s desirability, I’d hedge a bet that ROCD might be the culprit. If you haven't been diagnosed, a key signifier would be that the thoughts are distressing, or as we mentioned earlier, ego dystonic.
Below are a few of the obsessions and compulsions common to those with ROCD. Obsessions are the unwanted and unpleasant thoughts that lead those with OCD to perform compulsions. Compulsions are the behaviours that sufferers perform to allay their anxiety, and they can be categorised into 4 types: Overt, reassurance seeking, avoidant and mental compulsions:
- You test your attraction to your partner frequently, and compare your arousal with them in response to your arousal with others.
- You frequently dwell on your partners physical and character flaws: For example: “Is her nose too big?”, “Are her hands ugly?”, “Is he smart enough for me?”, “Is he kind enough for me?”.
- You are unable to commit to a person because you are consumed by the doubts mentioned above, and feel that you could find a more attractive/more compatible partner.
- You obsessively wonder if your relationship is “Right”, your partner is “The One” or if there is a better match out there for you. The thought that you are with the wrong person takes up a lot of time and distresses you.
- You avoid saying “I love you” or intimacy in general because you are not sure if you mean it and are scared of becoming entangled further.
- Intimacy has become a test and is anxiety-inducing. You often examine whether you are “into it” during sex and the experience is overshadowed by these thoughts.
- You frequently compare your current partner to your ex-partners to determine whether they are a better match.
- You feel the need to confess your doubts to your partner frequently, even if this upsets them.
These are a few key signs and symptoms, but there are more: The OCD charity Made Of Millions has a list of thirteen questions you can answer to determine whether you might be suffering from ROCD here.
Treatment
Luckily, ROCD is a highly treatable disorder- the hardest part about tackling the disorder is probably in diagnosing it. A mixture of Exposure Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help those with ROCD to overcome the cycle of doubt and anxiety and to accept the uncertainty inherent in love and life.
In Exposure Therapy, Sufferers will gradually be exposed to triggers, and will be asked not to perform the associated rituals. In ROCD patients, this might mean saying “I love you” without evaluating the truth of the statement, or not googling relationship advice when doubts arise. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches patients to challenge negative thinking patterns such as black and white thinking or catastrophising. Lastly, It is important that ROCD patients tackle misconceptions around love, such as thinking they must always be aroused by their partner, that they shouldn't be attracted to others if they are in love and that there is such a thing as “The One”.
The Takeaway
If you suspect you may be suffering from ROCD, reach out to your GP or a qualified CBT therapist; whilst relationship doubts are natural, they shouldn't hinder you from experiencing love and intimacy or affect your ability cultivate healthy, stable relationships.
